At the beginning of the New Year everyone starts making plans to change, to change something or everything about themselves.
Change. It's a word that scares me more than anything in the world. My blood runs cold just thinking about it. Why you ask am I afraid of change? Because of failure.
One of life's great mysteries to me is that of how people change, grow, become a better person.
In 2012, I made a goal to take chances, more specifically to take chances with my love life. Those who know me know that when it comes to the member of the opposite sex I am painfully socially awkward. But I ended up taking a risk.
For a long time I felt that I was in love with a friend. I basically thought that he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and what was even better was that he paid attention to me. He seemed to care, to be interested, he wanted to talk to me, and he wanted to know what I thought. When things looked like they were headed towards "serious-town", that's when everything fell apart. He didn't care for me that way, but he didn't mind that I did. And he used me to boost his own self-confidence.
That was a huge hit to my already low self-esteem. But it's when he got a girlfriend that it really hit home that he would never be with me.
Needless to say, I have been unhappy. I have moments where I feel invisible, unimportant, worthless, unwanted. And in all of these self-pitying, wallowing nights one thing is true: I can change.
W.M. Lewis said "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." When I was a little girl all I dreamt about was being a wife and a mother. And with that boy I thought I could see that dream coming true, and then it was all ripped away with four little words "I don't love you." And I had stopped living. I was waiting, waiting for him to ride off with me into the sunset.
It isn't the biggest tragedy in the world. There have been broken hearts before and after mine, but it is MY broken heart. But...
This is my life as someone who is visible, important, full of self-worth, and very much wanted. Someone who is happy.
